Today I sat beside you in a dark room while the movie unfolded like some gentle weather and I realized, in the middle of laughter that echoed from strangers and the soft glow of the screen, how lonely I can feel next to the one I love. We have learned our small rituals together, the few places we choose when the world shrinks to two, the rare afternoons that feel like offerings. We have a history of quiet, of small promises and softer plans, and for a year I have been giving pieces of myself in the hope that they would be held, not merely visited. I remember, more than I want to, the first time we walked out of a different cinema and the way his hand fit like a simple punctuation to a sentence I wanted never to end. Today, what was supposed to sketch another memory instead sharpened an old ache. I carried a plan inside me because he had carried it there first. i thought we would wander together, tables we thought we would share together, the quiet spaces where j imagined warmth...instead i find myself carrying weight...It sounded like something held with tenderness. It sounded like the kind of evening that would later be folded into a drawer of small, golden things I could open when I missed him. I thought nothing at first and then the thin misalignment of expectation and action ballooned into a hurt I had been careful to avoid. I told myself it was nothing but felt a grief too large for the space between us. How could a single evening, promised to be shared, end with the weight of something undone resting heavily in my chest? It is not the tables. It is a ledger of small things adding up.sometimes a small, unmet hope becomes a sudden canyon: a phone lifted between us, a laugh that did not find me, an idea of shared time that was only mine. They are the tiny fissures where loneliness slips in. They do not announce themselves with trumpets. They arrive in the quiet, the chest has memorised the shape of the hurt. I want the ache to have space in the world without explaining every cause, because not all sorrow needs justification to be valid. Love is not only a festival of joy; it is also a careful cartography of small losses and the choice to keep returning. There are days when my heart expects very little: a glance that lingers, a joke whispered into the pause, a hand that finds mine without asking. Those things are not dramatic. They are the soft punctuation marks that make the story readable. And when they are missing, the sentences blur. Today felt like that ... a day I had saved in my mind for simpleness and instead found a hollow I hadn’t noticed before. I walked through the hours with a map that had one road missing, and every crossroads reminded me of the absence. Yet even in the hollow I feel the stubborn warmth of caring: I love you so much. That truth will never diminish... There is an ache that comes from realizing you have loved in one language while the other person reads in another script ... both beautiful, both earnest, yet not always aligned. I do not ask for thunderous displays; I ask for the soft weather of presence: a look that says, a sentence or two about the things that make me smile, a small, knowing gesture that says I matter enough to be noticed. Perhaps I have painted these hopes too thinly, like watercolor that the world absorbs faster than I expect. Perhaps you do not know how to show these small things because your love language walks different paths. That thought is kinder than anger and more difficult than indifference ... it asks patience while teaching me where my edges are. I think about the first times we were clumsy together, how every shared adventure felt like an important chapter because we were learning the alphabet of each other’s days. I remember the shy joy of simple closeness, and with that memory comes a double-edged tenderness now: gratitude that we ever had such bright, alive moments and grief that the pattern has shifted. There is no drama in naming this; I do not need you to remake yourself for me. I do not want you to become a stranger in an effort to please. I simply wish for the ordinary reciprocity of attention: the curiosity of five small questions, the tiny joke that breaks dryness into laughter, the way a hand can anchor and make the world feel less scattered. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is, and perhaps it asks more of you than you realize. Maybe it asks nothing of you at all and asks everything of me. I feel like I speak into the wind. Today, the wind answered with a weight I could not carry alone. I am not angry; anger is too loud for the gentle kind of sorrow that lives here. I am, instead, quietly stunned by my own capacity to feel so much in one afternoon and to still choose softness. Nothing does not cancel the beauty, nor does it erase the many small sweet things that make me keep returning to you like a pilgrim to a gentle shrine. I want to whisper the clearest, simplest truth I hold ... I really love you so much...because love is not erased by disappointment; it is refracted, carrying both light and shadow. where longing can be both fragile and fierce. I will keep the small things I have done, not as proof of labor but as proof of devotion, and I will hope ... perhaps a little naively, perhaps not ... that some mornings will bring the gentle reciprocity I have learned to crave. Until then I will hold this pain as one holds a fragile object: with both hands, careful, honest, and that two people who love can keep finding their way back to the small, luminous gestures that make the world kinder.
~ nothing was the same, as before.
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